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Writer's pictureColleen Considine

Stuffing mother

Updated: May 22, 2020

Author: Ellie Hunter.


My mother is ninety-four and I’ve been told that she’s close to passing. I’ve also been told that it’s illegal to taxidermy a human. As a man in his fifties I knew that this time was coming. I’d already suffered the loss of my father which tore my poor mother apart. She hasn’t been eating right since then. And I’ve been told she’s on the way out, dying that is. I’ve lived with my mother since I was born and the idea of being separated from her is something that I can’t even begin to comprehend. Looking over and seeing her tattered armchair without her body is unimaginable. I’ve talked it over with her and she’s more than happy to get stuffed, get taxidermied that is. I tried to get quotations at a local taxidermist last Tuesday. I took mother in to try and get a quote, but the man was very rude. “It’s immoral” and “I would lose my licence” was all the boring git could spurt out. Poor mother was so upset. I ordered her a lasagne from Gordino’s (her favourite) for dinner to try and calm her down but she only ate the bechamel sauce. Luckily, I talked to her the next morning and she didn’t remember anything, about the taxidermy that is. I’ve figured that if I can’t get someone to do the hard work, I’ll have to do it myself. I looked online trying to find do it yourself taxidermy kits but all I found were the ones suitable for mice, so I bought twenty, mother’s only small so hopefully it should be enough, if not I’ll just have to choose the parts I want to keep. Definitely the face, maybe just torso up? 2 working weeks the shipping says. But who can trust those things? Sometimes it turns up the next day sometimes not for a bloody month. Hopeless. Apparently, I have to wait for the rigor mortis to settle anyway before I do anything, but I don’t want her to start to smell. The carer woman says that mothers got 5 weeks tops. But again, what do they know? Why does nobody bloody know anything? I had an uncle that was told he’d only have 6 months to live and 12 years later he’s still alive. Although, he is in prison for what they found on his hard drive. (I want to put ‘child porn that is’ here but I’m not sure if that’s too far). Anyways lads, I’ll keep you updated on the state of mother and whether I succeed. If you have any tips or know any professionals that would be happy to do it for cheap that’d be a godsend!

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